


The (Possibly) True Adventures of Clyde the Tortoise

by SupremeMotherHen



Category: Elementary (TV)
Genre: F/F, Fluff Bomb
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-04-29 12:59:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5128529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupremeMotherHen/pseuds/SupremeMotherHen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clyde has a bone to pick with a blonde-headed devil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> They come in tiny snippets.

**Part One**

Clyde didn’t like this woman, he decided. He didn’t know her name or anything about her really, but he knew that he did not like what her presence did to Joan.

They would spend time alone, upstairs. Clyde wasn’t sure what they were doing but he did notice the blonde one walking a little strange and Joan was usually wearing different clothes once they resurfaced. After her departure, Joan would sit with him, noticeably less chipper.

Clyde did appreciate the fact that Sherlock made himself sparse during her visits, though. For that, he was grateful but no amount of time away from Sherlock and his antics could trump Joan’s unusually solemn mood that lasted days after her visit.

After much deliberation Clyde decided that he would bite her.The next time this blonde woman, that made his Joan sad visited his terrarium, he would bite her finger. That’ll show her.

**Part Two**

"I don’t know what’s wrong with me." Joan picked Clyde up from his terrarium and placed him on the floor next to her. "I’m not supposed to like people like her." She continued.

The blonde woman, who’s name Clyde still hadn’t figured out, had just left. As usual, Joan made her way over to her new sulk-buddy. It was times like these that Clyde wished his arms were longer, so that he could wrap Joan in a big, warm hug. She looked like she needed one.

"I’m so stupid. How do I even fall for murderer? " Joan wasn’t asking anyone in particular, she just hoped saying it aloud would knock some much needed sense into her.

Clyde didn’t know what to say. He also couldn’t say anything because he’s a tortoise but if he could, he wouldn’t know what. Joan did have a point, falling for a murderer wasn’t the smartest thing ever. There was no way for him to verbally comfort her so Clyde settled for nuzzling her leg as best as he could with a shell and all.

"I’m sorry,buddy. I shouldn’t be bothering you with this."

"Its okay!" Clyde wanted to say. He didn’t mind her confiding in him. She was his favorite human after all. Unfortunately, being a tortoise kept him from communicating that message.

**Part Three**

"Stop being a baby, you're not even bleeding." Joan rolled her eyes at her companion and picked Clyde off of the floor where Jamie dropped him. She gave him a little kiss on the head and walked him into the kitchen to get a treat.

Jamie remained in the living area, nursing her wound. There was no blood and the initial sting had long subsided but she was still startled by the attack. 

"This would have never happened if we turned him in to soup like I suggested long ago." She told Joan as she returned from the kitchen with Clyde and a few strawberries in hand. 

"I'm not turning Clyde in to soup. He's apart of the family now." Joan ignored Jamie's protests and returned Clyde to his terrarium, along with a strawberry for him to munch on. "Besides, I'm sure you deserved it anyway." She continued absentmindedly. 

Clyde was proud of himself. Not only did he give this blonde woman some much needed comeuppance, but Joan called him family and he also received a nice treat. The blonde woman, who Clyde recently found out was called Jamie, kept her distance for the remainder of her visit. The two women remained in the living area for the first time since their rendezvous began; talking and sharing little kisses from time to time. He kept his eye out and made sure that this Jamie didn't step out of line.

As Joan drifted to sleep, with her head on Jamie's shoulder Clyde hatched a new plan. He crawled to the far end of his terrarium and began tapping (as best as a tortoise could) on the glass. Jamie noted the action and eyed him wearily. The two locked eyes, as best as a human and a tortoise could and Clyde hoped that his "piss off" glare possessed its desired effect.

They remained this way until Jamie eased Joan's head off of her shoulder, gave her a sweet kiss on the forehead and headed towards the door, sparing him one more glance. Clyde kept his eye on her retreating form until he heard the door close. Sighing in relief, he crawled over the the side of his habitat closest to Joan and curled himself into his shell.

Today had been stressful. After two strawberries and playing attack tortoise for the last two hours, Clyde was exhausted. He drifted off to sleep with dreams of becoming a Godzilla sized tortoise and crushing Jamie with his claws. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The war wages on.

**Part Four**

The commotion on the other side of her bed made Joan freeze in fear. Her motor skills had not woken up yet and her mind was still fighting off the last remnants of sleep. She wasn’t entirely sure what was happening or how she should act.

"I know you’re awake." A voice said, as a body settled behind Joan on the previously unoccupied side of her bed.

Sighing in relief and annoyance, Joan ripped the covers from over her head and faced her bed mate.

"Jamie," Joan said with the agitated tone that she had been using more frequently these days. "How many times do I have to tell you to call before you come over?" Joan fought with the tangle of hair blocking her vision. She was sure that she looked ridiculous.

"Sorry about that dear," Jamie began, reaching over to help Joan untangle her hair. "I just have something important to show you."

They fought with Joan’s hair for a few minutes before finally getting most of the tangles out. Jamie pulled the hair up into a loose ponytail and secured it with the elastic band she had taken to wearing on her wrist when she noticed Joan’s habit of tying up her hair in the mornings. She retrieved the glasses sitting on the nightstand and placed them gently on Joan’s face.

"Can this wait?" Joan turned to hide the smile she knew was growing on her face. She secretly loved it when Jamie did simple things like that.

"Actually," Jamie reached for something on the floor before turning back. "It could not wait. I have something important for you."

Joan stared at the tiny kitten Jamie placed between them on the bed.

"I thought that you could use a proper pet."

Jamie wasn’t sure what to make of Joan’s silence. Surely she didn’t hate cats. How could anyone hate cats? A quick look at Joan’s medical records held no mention of an allergy.

"Why?" That was all Joan could manage to say. She was used to getting strange presents. Between Sherlock and Jamie, Joan was slowly amassing enough strange and random items to open up her own shop.

"Surely a kitten is better than a tortoise." Jamie brought the kitten to her cheek hoping to let their collective cuteness win Joan over.

Joan turned her head, determined not to let Jamie cute her way out of an explanation. She contemplated the situation for a minute before realization struck.

"You’ve got beef with Clyde." She states with a roll of her eyes. For a mastermind criminal, Jamie could be so adorably petty sometimes.

"I am not mad at that little beast," Jamie started. "I just think that you should have a proper pet." Jamie pulled the kitten in to her lap and began petting it. "One that doesn’t attack strangers unprovoked." She added quietly.

"Cats attack people too." Joan scoffed. Yep, she was still angry with Clyde.

"Yes, well at least this one can be litter trained."

Joan hated to admit it but the kitten was adorable. It couldn’t have been more than a month old. She watched on as Jamie pet and played with it. Of course Joan was going to keep it. Who wouldn’t want a kitten?

"Fine, I’ll keep the kitten." Joan pulled the cat from Jamie’s lap and began cuddling it. "I get to name it though."

"Wonderful! Let me know what you decide and I’ll have tags made." Jamie did nothing to hide her elation.

"I already have a name." Joan picked the kitten up and blew raspberries on its tummy. "We’ll call you Bonnie."

It took 20 minutes of slow kisses and playing with Bonnie before Jamie caught on.

"Bonnie and Clyde." She narrowed her eyes in annoyance. "You’re very aggravating, Watson."

With the use of her last name, Joan knew she had won this round. All that was left was to brainstorm ways to make Bonnie and Clyde best friends. That would really piss her off.

**Part Five**

It had been two weeks since Jamie brought Bonnie to the brownstone. Joan was teaching her to use the litter box while Sherlock was trying to teach her to be an attack kitten. He was planning on teaching her to sniff out drugs and put out small fires, but only after he taught her to mutilate Jamie’s face.

Jamie visited more in those two weeks than ever before. She was over at dawn most days to lay in bed with Joan and show Bonnie some new cat toy that she brought with her. She always made sure to brag about the new gift she bought for Bonnie while on the main level, within earshot of Clyde’s terrarium. Joan could have said something about it but she chose not to interfere in any tortoise versus human rivalry. There was only but so much strange she could take and Sherlock’s new sex doll experiment had her at capacity.

"I don’t think he can understand you."

Joan sat on the couch with her latest case file while Jamie played with Bonnie on the other side of the room. She was boasting about the new, handmade kitten sweater she had commissioned. Joan doubted Clyde would even care if he could understand. He didn’t strike her as a materialistic tortoise.

"I have no idea what you are talking about, dear." Jamie didn’t look up. She knew Joan would be able to see right through her lie.

"Whatever." Joan rolled her eyes and flipped to the next page in the file. There was no reasoning with Jamie when it came to her pride.

They spent the next few hours in relative silence, with Joan reading, Jamie laying on the floor, on her back, probably planning an elaborate heist, Bonnie on her chest sleeping and Clyde doing whatever tortoises did in their habits. Sherlock was away gathering supplies for his next grand experiment. Joan refused to ask about it. She refused to ask about anymore of his experiments after the time she walked in on him attempting to make a full body condom.

"I am thinking about purchasing some real estate in the area." Jamie allowed the statement to hang in the air.

"Okay." Joan said, almost as if she wasn’t paying attention. That was far from the reaction Jamie had hoped for.

"I was hoping that you would help me decide on a location." Jamie tried again.

"I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Its not as if money is an issue." Joan refused to look affected.

She was tired of Jamie feeding her crumbs of affection only to snatch them away later. This was the game they’ve played for the last year.The shift in the atmosphere was annoying; Joan had hoped for an easy morning.

"I have to go, my agent has some properties to show me."

Jamie, gently transferred Bonnie to her cat bed in the corner. Without another word, she grabbed her jacket off the couch and headed to the door. She skipped the usual parting kiss they always shared. The slam of the door was a bit more forceful than she intended it to be but she was agitated and chose not to care.

The slam of the door woke Clyde from his nap. He hurriedly shuffled to the front of his terrarium, looking for the cause of the noise. All he found was Joan sitting alone, sporting a dejected look. This was Jamie’s fault. He just knew it. He tapped the glass as best as he could. It was no use, Joan didn’t notice. She gathered her files and headed upstairs.

Joan returned a few minutes later to retrieve the new kitten that had been hanging around for the last few weeks. She stopped to give Clyde a piece of lettuce and to refill his water container. He rubbed his head against Joan’s pointer finger, hoping to offer some comfort. She spared him a small smile before heading back upstairs with the kitten in hand.

Clyde ate slowly, thinking of ways to make Joan happy again. That kitten may be useful, he thought. He just needed to figure out how to communicate with it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Domesticated dummies.

Part Six

She knew this would happen sooner or later. You can only play both sides of the field for so long before they pull you in different directions. 

Unfortunately for Joan, she was literally being pulled in two different directions. Jamie had a hold on Joan's right arm, pulling her towards the door, while Sherlock had a grip on her left, just trying to keep the two away from each other.

Joan ripped her arms out of both of their grips. "I'm not going anywhere with either of you!" She picked Clyde up out of his terrarium and retrieved Bonnie from the sofa arm she was perched on. "I'll be back down when you two learn how to play nice."

Joan stomped up the stairs, as forcefully as she could, and slammed her bed room door loud enough for the neighbors to hear. She would talk to them again when they showed her a little respect. Until then, it was just her, Bonnie, and Clyde.

That's when the arguing began.

Jamie and Sherlock's screaming match lasted for hours. It began with them arguing over which one of them made Joan angry.

"She would be fine if you would stop treating her as your pet. You have a violent tortoise for that." She heard Jamie yell.

"A pet? Watson is my confidant and I am trying to keep her away from the likes of you." Sherlock screamed back at her. 

Their argument moved on to which of them was the more skilled linguist. Then it meandered on to which one was the better cook, which was more physically fit, and other irrelevant topics that had nothing to do with why Joan was upset in the first place.

The arguing didn't bother Joan, she tuned out their pissing contest long ago, and now their screams were reduced to muffled background noise. The arguing was a good thing. The arguing meant everyone was alive. Silence is what she feared.

By hour three, Bonnie crawled into her lap, looking for food. Joan glanced at her clock and noted that is was time for her to feed the pets. She decided to venture in to the war zone before Bonnie tried to eat Clyde again.

Joan tried to tiptoe her way to the kitchen but lady luck wasn't on her side today.

"Watson, can you please tell our Moriarty here that Del Tio's pizza is not the best pizza in town?" 

"Watson, can you please tell your companion here that Del Tio's is at least better than Delany's sorry excuse for food?"

They both stood at the entrance of the kitchen, hopeful looks on their faces, waiting for an answer. Joan ignored them. She was already in the middle of their little feud, there was no need for her to pick a side, even if it was just pizza. She grabbed a few pieces of lettuce for Clyde, then measured and poured her cat food in to Bonnie's dish. Joan gathered an armful of food for herself and muscled her way past the two losers she was somehow attached to.

Halfway to her room Joan heard the two whisper yelling at each other again. She shouldn't have found it remotely funny but a small smile made its way to her face. Those idiots will go on all night if they have to.

Joan slammed her door again to let them know that she was still angry. She found Bonnie trying to bite through Clyde's shell.

"No eating the tortoise." She picked Bonnie up and placed her on the bed with her food bowl. "We talked about this already. I don't care what your other mother tells you."

She heard light snickering from right behind her door. Joan grabbed her nearest shoe and hauled it at the door as hard as she could. She heard two yelps followed by a faint thud.

Idiots.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adventures in Clyde sitting.

For once, the strange sounds emitting around the brownstone had nothing to do with Sherlock’s experiments or his and Jamie’s arguments.

Jamie looked on in what could be considered her version of fear. “I think he’s dying.” she told the operator.

“Well what sound is he making exactly?” Becky, the PetSmart operator asked.

“Well it’s a..like a” Jamie made a wheezing sound, from her throat into the phone receiver. 

“Why don’t you put Clyde on so that I can get a better assessment?” Becky waited patiently for Jamie to retrieve Clyde. This was far from the weirdest thing she had ever done in her line of work. Her previous call was a group of frat boys inquiring about the safety hazards of drinking horse sperm. 

With Clyde in tow, Jamie returned to the phone and angled the receiver so Becky could assess his problem. Clyde made a wheezing sound with a hint of the sound your cellphone makes when its in vibrate and you get a call. Jamie lifted the phone to her ear, only to find Becky chuckling.

“Something funny?” Jamie asked.

Becky sobered quickly, not wanting to insult yet another customer. “Sorry about that, Mrs. Watson, it just seems that your tortoise is ready to mate.”

“He’s not mine! I am just babysitting--well, tortoise sitting until my girl...friend returns from her trip with a business associate. Why they let me in charge, I have not an answer but he is not mine. I do, however, have a lovely Norwegian Forest cat called Bonnie.”

“Well, Mrs. Watson, it seems as if your not cat is ready to mate.” It was almost the end of her shift and Becky was not going to get into it with this woman, about the tortoise’s ownership.

“Very well,” Jamie placed Clyde back into his terrarium because frankly, the sounds were beginning to really freak her out. “What do I do about this?”

“He needs to mate.” Becky drew the sentence out. She was pretty sure that she was clear about the whole mating thing the first time.

“Are you suggesting that I find him some tortoise whore to lay his seed in?” Jamie cringed at her own wording.

“That is a very graphic way of putting it but, yes. Either you allow him to mate or deal with the noises until he tires himself out. Unless you can find him some tortoise porn.” Becky chuckled at her own joke. She was funny no matter how scary this Watson woman sounded.

“Is that an actual thing?” Jamie tentatively asked. She almost didn’t want to know the answer.

“Sorry Mrs.Watson, that was just a little veterinarian humor.” Maybe the joke wasn’t a good call on Becky’s part. This woman was too ridged for her comedy. 

“Very well. Thank you for your assistance, Becky.” Jamie hung up the phone before Becky could bother asking her to complete a survey about her experience with the phone call. 

“You disgust me.” Jamie spoke, mostly to herself. She was disgusted with how easily she gave in to the idea of watching the pets while Joan and Sherlock were away. 

Clyde continued to make those sounds while Jamie opened her laptop and searched through her sources for a tortoise mate that could sate the ridiculous beast in her care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really respond to reviews because I never know what to say. I do want to thank all of the people that decided to leave kudos and even going as far to leave a comment. I enjoy the opinions and commentary of all that take the time to read my little stories, when there are so many other things you could be doing with your lives. And a thank you to people who just lurk without leaving anything. I do appreciate your interest as well


	5. In the Neighborhood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just stopping in for a visit.

            Several months passed by with no word from Moriarty. Joan and Sherlock paid it no mind at first-- it was not strange for Jamie to go missing for months at a time, but she would usually send little gifts or tips on cases the two were working, just to keep her presence fresh in their minds. However, there were no letters, random spying henchmen or gifts being sent to the brownstone this time. Jamie had yet to even make mention of Kitty's existence in Joan and Sherlock's lives. Both thought, at the very least, her arrival would spark an interest but the quiet spell continued. It was either some rather unusual behavior from her, some strange power play or Moriarty had finally met a fate that was seemingly inevitable in her line of work. Neither wanted to admit that they were a bit unnerved by this, for fear of acknowledging that they still cared for her.

Following her disappearing act, Joan and Sherlock managed to find themselves in a comfortable routine. It was the first time since Joan's sober companion days that they had what could be considered a normal life. Sherlock had his experiments his meetings and his ever revolving door of women and that one guy when he wanted to “just see how it feels”.  Joan had her friends, her family and her running. The both had their work and their surrogate daughter, as Sherlock liked to call her, Kitty. It was a bit monotonous but fulfilling nevertheless.

            In that time, Bonnie had grown to her full size and had become a useful fetching cat. A far cry from the attacking feline that Sherlock had hoped for, but useful nonetheless. She couldn’t fetch a decent cup of tea but she could differentiate between remote controls and find extension cords with two and three prongs. She learned how to dial 911 when she smelled smoke, per Joan’s request. Clyde hadn't done much in the time and hadn't grown much either but he and Bonnie had formed a strange, yet endearing relationship. They had both bonded over mutual, irrational even, disdain for Kitty. Also their affection for Joan, but mostly their dislike of Kitty. Clyde chose to shock her for his food, while Bonnie decided to use some of Sherlock's combat training whenever the young woman drew too close for comfort, or looked at her funny or breathed a little too loud.

            In true Watson-Holmes fashion, Bonnie was a clever one: she would knock over books, boxes, pieces of stock paper and anything else she could get her paws on, to create slides so that Clyde could get around as well as her. There was also the trick where Bonnie would steal Kitty's socks, situate Clyde on the larger section and drag him around the floor. And there was that one incident where Bonnie had, somehow, opened the door and dragged Clyde halfway down the block, using only a shoe string and a pair of Kitty's underwear. You never really knew where they would end up if left alone for too long. 

            It was a regular day at the brownstone like any other; Sherlock was experimenting with a new chemical compound while Kitty was perched in the furthest corner of the room, manning the fire extinguisher. Joan was out with one of her very own irregulars, researching a side case she'd taken. Bonnie and Clyde were in Joan’s basement office just in case Sherlock set off another fire. Bonnie with her phone on standby, just in case. Birds were chirping, Ms. Hudson was dusting in the library, it was the perfect kind of day for an uninvited visitor to come barreling through Joan’s office door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Jamie muscled her way through the office door with a sturdy kick. She scrambled inside and dropped to the floor, immediately pulling a gun out of her waistband and several clips of bullets from various compartments in her jacket. She inched her way up and cracked the door a little, just to see if she was still being chased. She didn’t see anyone but that did little to stop her heart from racing. She closed the door and wandered over to the small street level window. Gun in hand, she peered out in to the street and saw no one but random neighbors and people walking around—none of the people that had ambushed her and her men. A harsh vibrating feeling startled her, until she realized it was her cell.

            “What?” She answered, trying to reign in her adrenaline and the tiniest bit of fear.

            “The situation is under control. A new car will be waiting for you at the south end of the block in 30 minutes.” It was Johnathan, one of her newest men and currently, Jamie’s favorite.

            “Make it 25 minutes and I want some answers when I arrive.”

            “No worries mam, I was able to find one that’s still able to talk to you.”

            “I counted at least seven men and you were only able to keep one alive?” Jamie was irritated. “How many times do I have to tell you idiots to keep at least half alive to interrogate, in situations like these? Why is that, Johnathan?”

            Johnathan cleared his throat and spoke carefully, “The more they talk, the easier it will be to determine which parts are closer to the truth and which parts are outright lies.”

He heard the agitation in her voice and had heard stories about the woman’s legendary temper. No one wanted to be on the receiving end of one of her tantrums.

“I’m feeling generous today, Jonathan.” Jamie’s voice turned deadly sweet. “I will ignore this mishap on your part. You were the first to detect the ambush so you can say that I owed you one. But please understand that I will not be as generous if there is a second time. You’ve a lovely family, Jonathan, and I would hate to see anything unsavory happen to them, wouldn’t you, Jonathan?”

“I wouldn’t want that either, mam.”

“Perfect and I expect that car to be here in 20 minutes.”

Jamie ended the call without waiting for an answer or retort. Her heart rate had finally returned to normal. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Jamie returned the now loaded gun to her waistband and hid the clips of bullets back in her jacket. For the first time since arriving, Jamie looked around a t the rest of the office. Unsurprisingly enough, it looked exactly like Jamie would imagine Joan’s basement office would look. The strong oak desk was accompanied by a tall chair. Jamie chuckled at the sight, as much as Joan insisted always being the smallest person in the room never bothered her, she was always over compensating in some way. There were various files and paper weights strewn about the desk, in a chaotic order Joan would swear made sense. The couch was repurposed from the upstairs living space, as was the rug underneath it. Jamie glanced at her watch, 18 more minutes before her ride would be there. She picked a random file off the desk and situated herself on the couch.

A soft mewling sound drew Jamie’s attention to a far corner of the space, tucked away behind a filing cabinet. It was too dark to make anything out, other than the glowing green eyes.

“Bonnie!” Jamie was pleasantly surprised to see her. “Come to mummy.”

Jamie placed the file on the coffee table and knelt to the floor trying to coax the cat into coming out. To be fair, it had been months since they saw each other. Bonnie might not even remember who she was. Jamie slowly moved closer, making kissing sounds. Bonnie stared for a second, before retreating into the darkness. A beat passed before Bonnie sprinted out of the darkness and into Jamie’s arms. She nuzzled the woman and bat her paws across Jamie’s face in what she hoped was a loving fashion.

“Mummy missed you as well.”

Jamie made cooing sounds and tickled Bonnie’s belly for a while before she heard the soft footfalls on the basement stairs. Jamie drew her gun and aimed at the staircase but before she could utter a word, the door flew open and she was being knocked to the floor. The gun flew out of her hand and slid across the floor.  The body was heavy on top out her but she was able to maneuver around enough to elbow the person in the back of the head. It only stunned them a bit but it was enough time for Jamie to find her footing a deliver a swift kick to the abdomen. She reached for the signed baseball bat, mounted on the wall and began her assault on her attacker’s back. At the third strike, the bat broke in two. She’d have to just buy Joan a new one. Jamie ran toward her other weapon but before she could make it to her gun, the body on the stairs jumped over the railing and on top of her. This body was much smaller but the force knocked the wind out of her. It knocked the wind out of both of them, actually. Jamie turned over to see a young woman, curled on the floor, gasping for air. Jamie turned to look at her other assailant before resting her head back on the floor. If she had enough air in her lungs, she would have laughed at her current predicament.

They all laid there until Jamie felt a sharp nipping at her ear. She turned to find Clyde, who had finally made his way out of the cat bed, nipping at her ear.

“Ghastly beast.” Jamie muttered and swatted at him, pushing him far across the room.

Clyde retreated into his shell before any harm could be done, but at the sight of it all, Bonnie began to hiss.

“Calm down, dear.”

Jamie went to scratched Bonnie’s chin but was met with an attack of claws and teeth. She tried to swat the attack away but it did her no good. Jamie rolled to her other side, still too winded to get up, to at least protect her face. Kitty finally managed to pull herself together and sat upright. She silently cheered as Bonnie attacked someone else for a change. Sherlock rolled onto his side and watched the attack with unadulterated glee. All those nights of training were finally being used on someone other than Kitty. Clyde drug himself back over to the fight and began nipping at Jamie’s ear once again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Of all the things Joan expected to see when she returned home, this was not one of them. Her list of possible scenarios included a half burned brownstone, Sherlock trying to tend his bees while in the nude again or even another one of Sherlock’s orgies while Kitty yelled for help because Sherlock locked her on the roof again and told her to scale the lose brick holes down if she wanted to get off. But the sight she was greeted with was not on that list.

            Joan had finished looking up a lead with one of her irregulars, for the case she was working on. It was a pretty mundane lost connection case but the person that hired her had access to many contacts that she and Sherlock would definitely need in the future, which was why she was doing it for free. Joan just wanted to come home, put her files away and have that movie night she and Sherlock had been promising Kitty for the past month. Then, she would have a nice, warm bath and curl up with one of her books, before getting at least 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Nowhere in her itinerary did she include coming home to Jamie Moriarty getting her ass kick by a cat and tortoise, while a very battered Kitty and Sherlock looked on in amusement

“What the hell?” Joan stood at the door looking exhausted and even more annoyed.

At the sound of Joan’s voice, Bonnie ceased her attack and ran to her. She batted, lightly, at Joan’s legs, asking to be picked up. Joan relented and pulled the cat into her arms, giving her a few kisses on the head.

“Hey Joan.” The three others said in unison.

“Don’t ‘hey Joan’ me, what the hell is going on?”

Sherlock, Jamie and Kitty looked at each other like kids with their hands caught in the cookie jar, silently encouraging the others to talk.

“I’d expect this from these two idiots, but not you Kitty.” Joan looked at her, disappointed.

“I resent that.” Jamie and Sherlock replied, in unison, again.

Kitty spoke first, “Sherlock said that he heard an intruder in your office and that it was the perfect time to test my combat training. I would attack from the stairs and he would come in through the door, for a rear surprise attack. I thought it was stupid because it could have been you coming in or they could have been armed and dangerous, but Sherlock was already getting in to position and I didn’t want to leave him hanging.”

Kitty said it all in one breath and waited Joan’s reply. She picked herself of the floor and moved to help Sherlock up.

“And why would you put her in that kind of danger?!” Joan asked, now staring daggers at Sherlock.

“No need to fret, Watson, I knew there was no danger.” Sherlock struggled to stand, not helping his point in the slightest. “You see, I knew it was our Moriarty or someone that looks very similar.”

“How?” The women asked.

“Well, when our Bonnie here was learning to call the emergency response team in the case of a science related accident, I also taught her to dial my number should she our Moriarty. What else would I buy a cat her own phone for?”

Because of course Sherlock would.

“You little bugger!” Jamie hissed. “I should have left you in that shelter.”

“I’d hardly call a murderer ‘no danger’!” Joan whisper yelled at Sherlock.

Jamie finally stood. She dusted herself off and made a move to pick up her gun. Kitty moved in her direct path, clearly terrified this time at what would happen now that it would be a fair fight. She had heard stories of Moriarty from the precinct and none indicated that she would have a chance. Jamie rolled her eyes and made her way over to the couch. She reclined and placed her feet atop the coffee table.

“I was just in the neighborhood and decided to say a quick hello to my favorite little detectives.”

To Jamie’s credit, it was an almost truth. She couldn’t possibly tell them that she was ambushed in the city and ran to the safest place she could think of. That would open up a nasty can of worms.

“I’m not little.” Joan muttered.

“And it was time that I met this one. Hello, Kitty.”

Jamie flashed a smile. She was likely proud of her joke or plotting. Probably both.

“Will someone get that damned tortoise?” Jamie gestured towards Clyde, who was now trying to claw his way up the couch to finish is assault.

Bonnie jumped from her place in arms, to the floor. She made her way over to Clyde and began nudging him back in the direction of the cat bed in the corner, which Jamie now saw had a Nokia phone laying inside of. How had she not noticed that before?

 Jamie felt her phone vibrate again.

“What?” She answered.

“We’ve been waiting for you, mam. Are you alright?” It was Jonathan.

“I’ll be there in 2 minutes.”

“We’ve been calling but…” Jamie ended the call before he could finish.

“This has been fun, but I have to go.”

Jamie pushed her way past Joan, fighting the urge to pull her into a hug. Her heart ached again though it had nothing to do with an enemy ambush this time. Joan still smelled the same, she noted. Jamie didn’t stop until she down the street and was safely nestled in her spare car. It wasn’t exactly the way she wanted to make her grand return.

“Have you ever fallen in love, Jonathan?” Jamie asked.

“Um…” The question caught him off guard. “Once.”

“And how did that work out?”

“It didn’t. Apparently she was an informant and was using me.”

“Don’t let it happen again.” 

“Falling for an informant or falling in love?”

“Both. Falling in love will kill you and if I find you leading an informant to my secrets, I’ll kill you. It’s a lose-lose really.”

“Okay.”

“I’m glad we had this talk, Johnathan.”

“Me too.” Johnathan replied, confused about what had just happened.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Meanwhile, back at the brownstone, Sherlock and Kitty were cleaning Joan’s office after the mess their altercation had created. Thankfully there were only a few broken knick-knacks and the signed baseball bat Sherlock was beat with.

            “Do not fret, Watson, I replaced the real bat with a replica long ago. I was waiting to see when you would discover the difference. I hate to say that I am a little disappointed in your lack of perceptiveness. I thought I had taught you better.”

            “For once, I’m actually thankful for your, you-ness. And I expect my bat back before the day is out.”

Joan was seated at her desk scratching Bonnie’s head and waiting for the two to finish cleaning. She was looking a bit like an evil mastermind, to be honest.

            “So that was the infamous Moriarty. A bit shorter than I imagined.” Kitty finished sweeping up all of the ceramic shards and placed the dustpan aside.

“Still very dangerous. Please don’t forget that.”

Both Sherlock and Joan looked lost in their own thoughts. Kitty had seen them distracted before but the looks on their faces were unsettling. Moriarty’s appearance bothered them more than they let on. How could such a small woman stir this much fear?

“I won’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be wrapping this up soon.


End file.
